5/30/24 I haven't been writing at all lately, for a long time. Last night I bit the bullet and read some of the stuff I wrote in college. It was actually a lot more reaffirming than I thought it would be. I am so mean to myself, and I keep forgetting that I am sometimes occasionally smart. I also keep forgetting that I've always been this ditsy, absent minded, and forgetful. Maybe. Maybe I was just high all the time in college... and after college, and finally I had a year without excessive smoking, and then BAM brain injury. Huh. Anyways, when I had an instagram and tiktok, I wrote and expressed myself a lot more. I hate it, but it seems I make art in order to share it. Maybe not the healthiest thing, but there it is and here I am. Maybe it's just a very human thing. Ok one final thing and then I'm going to be done and maybe learn a bit how to actually make this look good... or maybe I'll go back to crocheting? I got this silly cute tarot deck thing of writing prompts. Here it goes... The card I pulled: "what are you waiting for? Go, ten minutes" no fucking way I'm expounding on that for ten minutes. I'll try 5. I am waiting for permission. I am waiting for affirmation. I am waiting for something other than the stars to be in perfect alignment. I am waiting for my spine to be straight, for my voice to be even. I am waiting for the day I look in the mirror and fall in love. Actually, that prompted another line of thinking: lately I've been waiting hardcore for romantic LOVE. I am searching for it around every corner, in every interaction. Every young man is my potential mate, until he's not. Every time I've fallen in love, it just falls in my lap, even though I've been a touch boy crazy since I was a child. I remember my first crush named Noah in gaddamn preschool. And then Justin for most of elementary school, and then Cameron, and then I went to middle school and had crushes left right and center. Less so in high school, I sort of just fixated on one boy I thought was cute. We didn't even know each other that well... I would get too nervous around him and didn't try very hard to get to know him as a friend. I tried to be in groups with him, or on the same team in PE. I just sort of hovered in his orbit for years. It seems my own wistful longing has never found me love. Being direct on the other hand? I mean it's a hit and a miss, but it certainly works sometimes. It is scary though. So I guess maybe I'm waiting for courage to flirt with abandon. In another sense, though, I've stopped waiting. Ugh I am a terrible writer in stream of conscious style, but chances are no one will see this for now. Anywho, I am creating stuff left right and center, I am pursuing interests, I am making plans and scheming, I am trying new things, I am finding ways around and through the ways (boohoo) my stinkin neurodivergencies have made life a touch difficult. Like for example, finding HACKS for keeping my room clean, being on time to things, sticking to any habit. Admittedly, it is still a hit and a miss, but I've started to hit more regularly (heh) so yeah I'm still waiting for LOVE LOVE LOVE, but I'm not waiting idly. Ok signing off now, xoxo (I'll figure out how to make this prettier and copy and paste ok?) ok new day, haven't learned a lick about how to make this look better. I mostly want to quickly question an instinct of mine. Before any decision, I start looking for something external to confirm my instinct, or even fully make the decision for me. It is too scary to guide my own life in a lot of ways, especially when I could be wrong. I ask friends for advice, I ask i Ching, I ask mentors, I feel scared and nervous. I am thinking about moving to Chicago, but what if what if WHAT IF?! Can you tell I grew up Christian? Most decisions I've made haven't really been such, they've been inevitabilities. At least that's how it fee